Stories About Community – #1 with M

February 19, 2024 bcirclesp Leave a comment

The following is M’s story. It’s about community; her experience and reflections.

If I say community, what does that make you think about?

Then I’m reminded of the first time I ran a marathon. It was in the early 2000s, I was 19 and me and my best friend had talked about how cool it would be to participate. Naturally, we then agreed that we should run the Copenhagen Marathon together. We started training for it, but then he got very busy with his studies and had to focus on that. I had already come so far that I thought it would be stupid to quit and that I might as well finish what I’d started. I did hassle him quite a bit, saying he’d better come cheer since I was now running all alone because of him.

Back then we were a group of 10-12 friends who knew each other from high school, and who always showed up for Christmas parties or went to concerts together. We were always hanging out and maybe a little closed off to others, but it just felt natural that whatever we were doing, we did it together.

The day before the marathon it was a friend’s birthday, and we were all invited to her party, a two-hour train ride from the city. It was a great party except for the fact that I had to take the last train home to be ready for the next day’s run.

So, the next morning I got up early, had my breakfast, got ready and got myself to the starting line. My friends had said they would come cheer, but as I started running, I was thinking how they were really partying when I had left, and so I was pretty sure they wouldn’t show up.

About halfway through I tripped and fell. As a kid in jiu jitsu class we’d learned breakfall, and out of pure reflex this is what I did. The thing is, when doing a breakfall you end up facing the opposite direction and so when I was on my feet again, I was suddenly facing all the oncoming runners. Feeling disoriented it took me a second to start moving again, but then just a few steps further along, then suddenly there they were! I was so surprised and then at the same time thinking of course they’re here. It was a sweet mix of relief, joy, and surprise. It just felt big that they came all the way with hangovers on a Sunday morning.

They had found a concrete barrier block and were standing on top of it, banging the striped metal plate while shouting for me to keep running. So I did, and it felt like a hand on my bag, pushing me forward, giving my legs new energy. And I don’t know how, but they knew the route and so they showed up on the sidelines several times for the rest of the run. And they were waiting for me at the finish line and rewarded me with a beer and a cigarette. I think we briefly considered jumping into the harbor, but I simply got a dry t-shirt and my flip flops, and then we went feasting on a Turkish buffet until we felt queasy; them because of their hangovers, me because of the whole marathon thing. Afterwards we strolled back to someone’s house and just hung out watching The Simpsons, tired and self-contented.

I’ve been thinking that for me, community is very much about support and encouragement. There’s something about that.. I remember at one point during the run, I was running next to a small group, I think they must have been triathletes because they seemed trained in that specific way. They were running to the same beat, and it was remarkable that when I was running next to them, I adopted that same beat and it somehow felt like being part of a collective body. They were running slightly faster than me, so I couldn’t keep up with them for the rest of the run, but for a while it felt like being carried; I almost didn’t notice my feet hitting the ground because I was part of this collective motion. You could say that in a way it felt like burrowing a community, or it became like an image of what a community can be. At least what feels essential to me when I think about community.

community

Three Aspects of Community – a tiny book guide

November 12, 2023 bcirclesp Leave a comment

Life is our best teacher. With bruised hearts we keep moving forward, collecting experiences that will hopefully provide a growing ability to navigate. Learning by doing, right?

Books are wonderful allies on this journey; a way to recoup on the couch while forming a strategy for our next venture into a world of communities. Because how do we unpack and make sense of our often complex experiences of colliding with other people? And how do we translate that into actual steps forward?

The three suggestions that follows each provide a different aspect of this. A why, a how, and finally, a watch out. Three guiding lights on our path.

Understanding the importance of connection

Why is coming together in community even a thing we should pay attention to? Maybe you’ve heard Brené Brown utter the words “we’re wired for connection” but what does that really mean?

In his book, Professor Matthew D. Lieberman introduces his work in social cognitive neuroscience and provides an in depth understanding of how our brain has made three distinct adaptations that naturally orients us towards connection.

An overlap between physical and social pain.
A neural network dedicated entirely to social cognition.
Social cognition network as default setting.

Using different techniques, one of them being fMRI, Lieberman maps out how we’re constantly influenced by each other. If you have any interest in understanding yourself and the people around you better, you must read this!

Social: why our brains are wired to connect by Matthew D. Lieberman

How to facilitate connection

Understanding why we need connection is only the first step. Next comes the how, and here we’ll find valuable assistance in the expertise of Priya Parker. With a background in group dialogue and conflict resolution, Parker eloquently presents all the aspects and considerations that goes into planning meaningful gatherings.

“.. to put the right people in a room and help them to collectively think, dream, argue, heal, envision, trust, and connect for a specific larger purpose. My lens on gathering – and the lens I want to share with you – places people and what happens between them at the center of every coming together.”

From identifying the purpose of gathering and all the way to the closing, you will get ideas and inspiration sprinkled with anecdotes from Parker’s extensive catalogue of gatherings, both personal and professional. Chances are you will finish this book with a surge of enthusiasm in planning your next dinner/meeting/conference.

The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

The red flags of connection

Once we better understand the why and the how, it might be a good idea to keep an eye out for the red flags as well. Since we’re so sensitive to influence from the people around us, we can really benefit from being able to recognize when that influence is not in our best interest.

Focusing on the language, Amanda Montell lays out how we can get hooked in a way that might be utilized in a more or less culty context. Language is the invisible creation of our reality, and by making it visible, we stand a much better chance not falling victim of coercion, gaslighting or manipulation.

With a degree in linguistics, Montell are able to present academic knowledge in an engaging and accessible way, providing a foundation from which we might be able to grasp how the shadow side of community works.

Cultish : The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell

Additional resources

These suggestions will hopefully provide a vantage point from which you will be able to get some perspective on whatever experience you find yourself in currently. From here you might want to venture further and dive deeper. This is just somewhere to start.

And if you like podcasts, you might find this one interesting: A Little Bit Culty – yes, it’s all about cults. Or how about this TED Talk by Priya Parker where she gives you the quick guide to gathering.

Obviously, we have an ocean of valuable information about ourselves, and how we relate to each other, and what to do or not to do, and so on. We have that because we care. Because we’re wired to care deeply.

So please, if you have suggestions that might benefit others, put them in the comments.

community

COPENHAGEN: Wondering Where to Find a Pop-Up Community? Go Hit the Dancefloor!

November 7, 2023 bcirclesp Leave a comment

If you’re new in town or simply visiting and have the urge to connect with the locals, or you’re looking for the antidote to a long and lonely winter on the couch, go find a dancefloor!

IMAGINE THIS: the sun sets at 4 PM and your body is probably telling you that you need to find a couch or a bed to crawl into. Maybe you’ve been out all day, you’re cold and tired, and seasonal depression is lurking just a few weeks down the road. Maybe you’re just visiting, and you’ve been touristing the museums, the restaurants, the architecture, and everything else the guidebooks told you to do to experience the true Copenhagen. Maybe you’re just exhausted because it’s been a rough year. Every cell is telling you that all you need right now is something warm to drink, a cooking show on your screen (I’m not judging), and to just sink into that dark winter vibe.

I get it, but ask yourself this: do I really need to hibernate alone on my couch? Nine out of ten times the answer might feel like a YES, that’s exactly what I need!! Again, I get it. Really. However, maybe one day you’ll find yourself needing something else. If that something might be a little sweat, emotional release, and a sense of community, go find yourself a dancefloor.

Dancefloor Community

On one hand, it’s just dancing, right? It’s great exercise; you’re getting your heart rate up, the muscles are working, the sweat is dripping. Something even more important is at stake, though. You know, the part where the music and the movement enables you to express complex emotions, to strengthen your connection to yourself and to recalibrate with the warm bodies around you. Without venturing into a tirade about the state of the world today, might I suggest that we could all benefit from a little recalibration with the bodies around us.

As inspiration, scientists in the field of neurocardiology are discovering how we’re constantly affecting each other through the electromagnetic field of our hearts. If this sounds interesting to you, you can find studies and more through HeartMath.

At first, you probably just need to arrive at the venue, in the room, in the group, in your body. Breathing awareness into your chest and your belly. Allowing those first tones of the music to start pulling your shoulder, maybe just the fingers on one hand, even just the corner of your mouth. You could be the kind of person who starts on the edge of the room, observing and slowly moving closer. Or you’re simply claiming your space in the middle, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by your fellow dancers. Either is great. Either is welcome.

As your body is warming up, your movements might stretch and unfold as you travel around the floor. Emotions you’ve been grabbling with rise effortlessly to the surface to be released through the fierceness of your stomp or the lightness of your sway. Maybe you raise your gaze and notice someone noticing you. The magic of connection. Strangers coming together to dance; to enjoy the power of movement and expression, to hold space for themselves and each other without the pressure of performing – what greater feeling is there?

Whatever happens during the dancing is entirely up to you. Hopefully you end up tired and sweaty, feeling that tingly contentment as your breathing calms down and your muscles relax. Hopefully you feel seen and celebrated.

We all know how difficult it can be to pull ourselves off the couch to venture outside in the dark when all we (think we) want is to hibernate inside. But having the experience of being fully included and accepted in a group is something that might nurture an even greater need than the need for sleep.

Copenhagen Dancefloor Options

For me, 5Rhythms has just the right combination of creative freedom, diverse music, and an inclusive community atmosphere. Every time in the sharing circle at the end, someone will thank the group and with a glowing face express how tonight was the best night I ever had on the dancefloor!

Any type of conscious dancing would have the same elements of connection, both to yourself and to the group (conscious dance is unchoreographed dancing for the purpose of authentic expression, self-discovery and interpersonal connectedness). But maybe you’re more into some spicy Latin with lots of hips, or how about some Afro, or maybe you want more choreography and an entirely different type of dance. Copenhagen has a lot of options, so simply get on social media and see what’s on the calendar.

Specifically for 5Rhythms in Copenhagen check out this group on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/14493399140

For a wider variety of events and classes in the Copenhagen area https://www.facebook.com/groups/240420149373356/

We need to feel community. it’s such a vital part of being human. Especially in today’s world, especially during Scandinavian winter, especially as we’re trying to navigate through life. We need more community, and why not find it on the dancefloor.

If you’re not in Copenhagen, consider if you know of any dancefloors in your area. Would you be open to go join one for a few hours of fun? Who knows, maybe you have a friend who also need a dose of sweaty community.

GO DANCE!

travel

MARSEILLE: A Community of Human Connection – and Dog Poop.

December 20, 2022 bcirclesp Leave a comment

If you have ever walked the streets of Marseille, I’m sure you must have noticed the dog poops so generously sprinkled on the sidewalks. Chances are you have even stepped in one, subsequently smearing it on the pavement for the next few meters trying to get rid of it. Am I close? However, this shouldn’t deter you from visiting, or loving, the city. Au contraire!

Although never yet coming into close contact with one, the many dog poops have become a significant part of what I appreciate about the city. Let me tell you why.

To be honest, in the beginning I felt a slight frustration. Having to constantly look down and step over piles and smears taking up space on the sometimes-tiny sidewalks was a little annoying. The steaming and stinking can also be a little so-so.

Then the questions started emerging. As someone who is deeply invested in all things community, I found myself wondering what the dog poops was telling me about the Marseille community. Why is seemingly no one picking up their dog’s deposits? Is everyone just okay with it? – even all the people whom I see so vigorously trying to get the poop off their shoes? Is there no system in place for how to deal with the poops? Like other places where little bags are sold to dog owners, signs are reminding to pick up, and so on. Is this something people talk about or is it simply one of those minor annoyances that we really don’t give any attention to?

Pausing the poop reflections for a minute to tell you about another thing I’ve noticed in Marseille.

Marseille, A City of Human Contact

When strolling the neighborhoods of the city, people you pass on the street will look you in the eyes, they will say Bonjour, and often they will even smile. In my opinion, this is remarkable for a city the size of Marseille. With more than 800.000 citizens it’s comparable to Copenhagen, but what a difference! Don’t get me wrong, I love Copenhagen, but connecting with people on the street can be pretty difficult. Of course, if you walk around the shopping streets of the Vieux-Port or Opéra area, don’t expect a lot of interaction with your fellow shoppers. However, you might still receive a little warmth from the local shop owner if you are open to it – it’s a reciprocal thing, so you need to contribute yourself. As a minimum, you should always say bonjour or bonsoir when entering any kind of place. Basics are important.

Another thing to notice, Marseille is gorgeous! There are so many interesting things to discover; the details of the old buildings, the street art, the laundry hanging from a window. A treat for greedy eyes. Add the possibility of a smile and a greeting, you really should lift your gaze and meet the world around you.

However, circling back to the dog poops, you might want to look down as well.

This is where the challenge arises.

How can you admire and take part in all the beauty and connection around you while constantly looking down to avoid stepping in s**t? Because you don’t want to miss out. Not even a little. But you really don’t want poopy shoes either. So.. HOW? It’s actually not the first time I’ve asked myself this exact question, which makes me think that other people might have asked themselves this question as well. The question first occurred years ago in Varanasi, India and the poop in question was, naturally, cow poop. Different city, different poop, same question.

Determined to figure out this conundrum I entered a new phase of my poop-catalyzed process; the practicing phase. Around Marseille I ventured, hesitantly at first but soon moving like a ninja, swiftly navigating the minefield while keeping up conversation with my travel partner, and never missing a friendly comment or surprising detail. Zen travel; complete awareness of the surrounding world. At least that’s the short version. The long version includes a bit more stumbling and frustration as well as lengthy reflections on not changing circumstances but instead your reaction to them, the trainability of the mind and the endless nature of awareness.

Both versions are concluded with big admiration for this ancient port city so ready to bombard your senses and warm your heart. After spending just a few weeks here, my fascination-from-afar has turned into a full-blown love.

Circling back to the question of what poops in the street says about a community – maybe it says something about what is valued in that community. Sure, ideally we’d have it all but if you have to choose, would you rather have clean streets and limited human connection or would you prefer lots of connection with the risk of a little poop on your shoes? Maybe we don’t have the capacity or the resources to ensure perfection at all times, so we prioritize. Personally, I’ll take the connection, and I have even come to appreciate the dog poop as a catalyst for my expanded awareness.

In Marseille as in life, look up but also look down.

Marseillaise minefield..

community, travel

Talk To The Person Next To You

October 9, 2022 bcirclesp Leave a comment

We might not come from the same place and maybe we believe that we couldn’t possibly have anything to talk about, but we do share this experience of being alive. Maybe that’s all the common ground we need.

It was a spring morning in the Bywater neighborhood in New Orleans. I was feeling raw, and honestly just wanted to stay clear of everything and everyone to protect my overwhelmed nervous system. I went by the local coffee shop, and when I fumbled with my cash, desperately trying to count out the right amount before imploding, I mumbled something like “sorry, I’m having a blurry day”. This might have triggered different reactions or no reaction at all, but on this magical morning the girl behind the counter said, “I’m right there with you”.

This might seem unremarkable, but to me it made all the difference. Based on the assumption that the world and the people in it could only add more discomfort, I had temporarily excluded myself. By allowing me my sensitivity and offering me companionship, the girl behind the counter had re-included me.

We don’t have to tell strangers our biggest struggles or become best friends. We can keep it simple; acknowledge each other’s existence, offer a single sentence of validation, share just a tiny bit of ourselves. The impact might be huge.

It’s so easy to just rest on our default setting; we give each other the once-over, categorize based on appearance, deem relevant or not, and then we either move closer or move on. And that is if we even dare to look up.

Once I did this experiment when walking all the way along a nature stretch in Copenhagen. My objective was to connect, but even eye contact turned out to be almost impossible. By the end I felt depleted and lonely.

We might shield ourselves in general or we compute based on the before-mentioned default setting. However, it’s possible to overrule this and choose a more indiscriminate contact. I mean, by talking to strangers we are almost guaranteed to have our horizon expanded, to experience a sense of recognition, to feel validated and supported, to have our assumptions challenged and our minds stretched, to receive new perspectives, inspiration, ideas. Even just one of these options would make it all worth it, yes?

Years ago, I used to be a very active member of CouchSurfing where we not only talk to strangers; we invite them to crash on our couch, spend days with them, learn about their world. I’ve had some of the most meaningful encounters with some amazing people who started out as strangers but turned into significant forces of inspiration. Spending time with Jenna from Newfoundland inspired me to buy a ticket to India and to start a blog, both which turned out to be life changing. Kyle saved me from staying in a crack house hostel in Hawaii and in the process providing new friends and adventures. Soniya from Iran gave me wisdom and calmness when I was exhausted from travel and heartache, and because of her I sometimes make my coffee with cardamom seeds. Countless others made me reconsider everything I thought I knew and reassures me that even if it sometimes feels like the world is breaking apart from conflict, there’re people whom I can trust spread out across the planet.

It doesn’t matter if we come from completely different backgrounds, we are alive on the same planet and in the space between us we have the choice to create something new; something that will enrich our lives and make us grow. isn’t that what we’re essentially here to do?

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Another New Beginning

September 9, 2022 bcirclesp 3 Comments

A year and a half ago, I quit my job. I felt burned out and disillusioned and was just fed up with inadequacy. My own, my boss’, the system’s. Inadequacy and incompetence. It kept echoing in my mind; we’re not doing enough and we’re not good enough at what we’re doing.

I’ve been a social worker for 12 years and worked with both young and adults, refugees in crisis, people with psychiatric problems, substance abuse – all of it. It has been hard at times, but always meaningful. Somehow the sense of meaning drowned. For a while all I could see was the flaws, and honestly it broke my heart that we weren’t working harder to fix them. But talking to coworkers I realized that they were all okay. They were aware of what wasn’t working, but they had a “well, I’m doing the best I can while I’m here and I’m okay with it not being good enough” attitude. I wasn’t okay. So, after a lot of thinking and feeling, I quit.

I was going to give myself some time to refocus and figure out what this new life of mine was going to look like. Naively I thought it would take a few months. Ha! What actually happened was a long period of letting go. I had been involved in an organization and even worked as an ambassador for a few years, but I realized that our values were no longer aligned, so after another round of deep thinking and feeling, I resigned that as well. A few friendships that had meant a lot to me also ended; some because I let go, some because I was let go.

Throughout the process, three major themes have been in play; security, identity and belonging. How will I get by without a steady paycheck? Who am I if I’m not a social worker or an ambassador? Where do I belong, if no longer within these communities? I think anyone who’ve grabbled with just one of these themes will agree that it can be a heavy load, shaking your core beliefs about yourself, the world, life.

Truth be told, for long stretches it hasn’t been pretty, but as a constant undercurrent to all the grief (all the stages, several times over) I’ve been struggling with, it’s also felt important on an existential level. Who am I when I strip away everything?

As it turns out, I’m someone who underneath all the fear and doubt actually trusts that I’ll be able to deal with whatever occurs – and that the entire universe is backing me on this. My identity is tied to my values. When I compromise my values because I’m afraid of losing status or friends or money, I suffer. And finally, maybe I shouldn’t limit my sense of belonging to any specific profession or community. Maybe I can nurture the feeling that I belong wherever I am.

What this new life of mine is going to look like, is still not clear although it’s definitely less blurry than last year. I love writing, traveling, learning new things, and I love connecting with people. That’s four essential pieces of the puzzle. Along the way I’ll figure out how to put them together. This site is one way.