Life is our best teacher. With bruised hearts we keep moving forward, collecting experiences that will hopefully provide a growing ability to navigate. Learning by doing, right?
Books are wonderful allies on this journey; a way to recoup on the couch while forming a strategy for our next venture into a world of communities. Because how do we unpack and make sense of our often complex experiences of colliding with other people? And how do we translate that into actual steps forward?
The three suggestions that follows each provide a different aspect of this. A why, a how, and finally, a watch out. Three guiding lights on our path.
Understanding the importance of connection
Why is coming together in community even a thing we should pay attention to? Maybe you’ve heard Brené Brown utter the words “we’re wired for connection” but what does that really mean?
In his book, Professor Matthew D. Lieberman introduces his work in social cognitive neuroscience and provides an in depth understanding of how our brain has made three distinct adaptations that naturally orients us towards connection.
- An overlap between physical and social pain.
- A neural network dedicated entirely to social cognition.
- Social cognition network as default setting.
Using different techniques, one of them being fMRI, Lieberman maps out how we’re constantly influenced by each other. If you have any interest in understanding yourself and the people around you better, you must read this!
Social: why our brains are wired to connect by Matthew D. Lieberman
How to facilitate connection
Understanding why we need connection is only the first step. Next comes the how, and here we’ll find valuable assistance in the expertise of Priya Parker. With a background in group dialogue and conflict resolution, Parker eloquently presents all the aspects and considerations that goes into planning meaningful gatherings.
“.. to put the right people in a room and help them to collectively think, dream, argue, heal, envision, trust, and connect for a specific larger purpose. My lens on gathering – and the lens I want to share with you – places people and what happens between them at the center of every coming together.”
From identifying the purpose of gathering and all the way to the closing, you will get ideas and inspiration sprinkled with anecdotes from Parker’s extensive catalogue of gatherings, both personal and professional. Chances are you will finish this book with a surge of enthusiasm in planning your next dinner/meeting/conference.
The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
The red flags of connection
Once we better understand the why and the how, it might be a good idea to keep an eye out for the red flags as well. Since we’re so sensitive to influence from the people around us, we can really benefit from being able to recognize when that influence is not in our best interest.
Focusing on the language, Amanda Montell lays out how we can get hooked in a way that might be utilized in a more or less culty context. Language is the invisible creation of our reality, and by making it visible, we stand a much better chance not falling victim of coercion, gaslighting or manipulation.
With a degree in linguistics, Montell are able to present academic knowledge in an engaging and accessible way, providing a foundation from which we might be able to grasp how the shadow side of community works.
Cultish : The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell
Additional resources
These suggestions will hopefully provide a vantage point from which you will be able to get some perspective on whatever experience you find yourself in currently. From here you might want to venture further and dive deeper. This is just somewhere to start.
And if you like podcasts, you might find this one interesting: A Little Bit Culty – yes, it’s all about cults. Or how about this TED Talk by Priya Parker where she gives you the quick guide to gathering.
Obviously, we have an ocean of valuable information about ourselves, and how we relate to each other, and what to do or not to do, and so on. We have that because we care. Because we’re wired to care deeply.
So please, if you have suggestions that might benefit others, put them in the comments.
The Billion Circles Project 